Tuesday, October 25, 2016

"I'm The One Behind #Wikileaks" By Hillary Clinton

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Hey, guys. How about this campaign, huh? What a ride! Sure there were a couple of bumpy moments. But we're on our way to the big seat now, and Donald Pumpkins ends this thing hawking gold coins on cable. Sad! Ha.

Anyway I'm behind Wikileaks. I'm the hacker, bitches. I did it, framed the Russians, and then I had Katy Perry deliver the thumb drive to the embassy for creepy ol' Whitesnake to put on his website while he fends off charges. (Is Julian Assange terrifying to look at, or what? I don't want to judge men by their appearance, but that guy seems like he ought to be giving candy to kids near a bus station men's room.)

Some of you are shocked. You shouldn't be. Give it a think, and consider what it gets me:

1. It keeps the media busy. No matter how badly Donald J. Trump screws up, the guys over at Politico have to keep showing that they're willing to go after me as well, just for balance. It doesn't matter that Trump's talking about rounding up Muslims and starting a war in North Korea; everyone has to spend equal time talking about how I coughed last week. Is that fair? No. But nothing is fair for a working girl. Anyway, getting a big pile of stolen information out in the open keeps them scrambling to publish one story after another... and I already know what the stories are going to be. See how that works? Kind of disappointed you people missed the angle. But you don't get to be Commander Nasty without thinking a few moves ahead.

2. It makes the Trumpkins crazy. The worst thing for a conspiracy theorist is to discover an actual fact. They go insane over it. It's like chumming the water around a few dozen tiger sharks. You give them a little bit of detail, and what happens? They're out there on Twitter and Facebook trying to convince their friends and family that every time John Podesta had a conference call it was so he could help the Fed put tracking chips in your Lucky Charms. They sound angry and unhinged, and the fact that their niece with the big H on her profile doesn't care makes them even more angry and unhinged. Nothing sells a seventh Clinton term like Trumpkins frothing and ripping their hair out.

Did I say seventh term? Just kidding.

3. It makes regular people shrug. Underneath this mountain of evidence... behind all the scoops by all the papers... all the rants, the accusations, the TV gum-flapping, and breathless nothing by that high school friend of yours who thinks Alex Jones is a chubby redneck Jesus... What have you learned? What do normal people take away from all this? They learn that I'm smart, and a control freak, and I'm devious as a squirrel trying to get out of a crawlspace. They learn, friends and neighbors, that I'm a politician. But regular people knew all this thirty years ago.

So I'm good at what I do, unlike a certain loudmouth who makes all his mistakes with the cameras running. More and more, his flaws look dangerous. More and more, mine look pretty innocuous by comparison. And comparison is all you have in an election.

Of course, you could vote for Jill Stein, but she also works for me. It's complicated. Anyway, enjoy Halloween, and we'll chat again in November. I think when this is over I'm going to have the NSA break into Trump's channel so I can watch it for free in the Oval. He is not well, and it's sort of entertaining. It's almost as if I'm producing a reality show, and he's the star. Or the victim. And either way, he doesn't have a clue. It's almost like that, I said. It's not what I'm literally doing. Promise.

Be seeing you.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Monday, October 17, 2016

Why Are You Voting For #JillStein?

I spent the day exploring the reasons people might be voting for the Green Party nominee:

Why are you voting for Jill Stein? Please write in with your answers, and reach out to me on Twitter! It's where I usually rant.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

FiveThirtyEight Is A Real-Time Barometer Of How Many Truly Awful People Live In America

As I write this, the US population is 318.9 million, and right now -- according to Nate Silver's blog, FiveThirtyEight -- about 39.2% of those people are monsters. That's about 125 million bigots walking around grabbing at each other's genitals and spitting on children in this country. A massive horde of folks who'd sell their families into slavery and swap the US Constitution for jerky and scratch-n-win tickets.

Will this group of what are clearly America's Fredos take over? In a way they already have, because they picked the biggest asshole among themselves and that asshole is a serious contender for the most powerful office in the government. This is partly due to politics within the Republican Party and solid evidence that the Republican Party needs to be outlawed and its members subjected to a McCarthy-style witch hunt until Paul Ryan is reduced to hiding in someone's basement and crapping in a bucket.

Anyway Nate Silver is trying to figure out whether the bad guys can pull off their idgit Apocalypse, and God bless him for it, even though honestly, sometimes I wish he'd stop, because my stomach lining can't take this. Nate says that they currently have between a 12% and 17% of seizing power and starting a racist crackdown against every group that doesn't match their genetic ideal, which is Steve Bannon, who resembles a giant bleached garden slug. Some of you think I'm exaggerating. I am not.

Their chances vary from day to day and sometimes from hour to hour. The reason for this is because our electoral college system gives the Nazis and klansmen in some states more power to influence a presidential race than the people scheming to refight the Civil War in other states.

Right now Florida is the state most likely to cast the decisive vote in the election. We're in luck because 49.1% of Floridians are decent and halfway intelligent people, and they make up for the 45.1% of the state who literally shouldn't receive CPR, because they'd just use their second chance at life to murder women and Latinos, and probably imprison Muslim citizens as well. So Florida's holding on, but just barely. Pennsylvania, another electoral powerhouse, has a wider margin between dignified human beings and the Wehrmacht LARPers who want to ruin it for the rest of us. Ohio has a thinner line between the decent and the depraved, and so does Iowa.

Just a few states, and the margins aren't that big.

The problem is - and here's where FiveThirtyEight really becomes terrifying when you check it every fifteen minutes, like I do - there seems to be a small but significant number of people in the middle who jump from camp to camp depending on the latest gossip on Politico, the weather, the color of Wolf Blitzer's tie, their fantasy football team, their bowels, and who knows or cares what other factors.

How do you not grasp that one of the two candidates is a complicated, flawed, but nonetheless qualified politician with years of experience, and the other is a racist reality show clown? How do you not see the difference between real policy ideas and a jumble of catchphrases from 1980's action films? It's understandable that some people are good and some are clearly just terrible... but how can you be on the fence about whether there's a difference? I don't get it, but it's a fact of math and history. The sort who stay home, don't follow the world around them... the kind of people who believe in personal angels, Scientology, or that Jill Stein is a credible choice actually exist in enough numbers to matter.

This is why Nate's figures are jumping. The most morally deformed people in the country are trying to get total control, and the only thing that stands in their way are the disconnected, the ignorant, and the deluded. And at any moment some of these fools playing pickle with catastrophe are either stumbling toward it, or moving away, but without knowing how or why.

So this election's not all that different from the others, when you think about it.

It just might be the last.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Donald #Trump Confesses To Bank Robbery

Donald Trump's on a video bragging about all the stuff he's accomplished, and naturally the conversation turns to bank robbery.

"Yep, I've totally knocked over some banks," he says. "It's easy. No one minds, when you're a star."
You can see Billy Bush on the video chuckling appreciatively.
Later Trump is running for president, and this video surfaces. Some of his supporters pretend to be shocked. Some say this bank robbery confession is just "guy talk." One or two actually defend taking money from a financial institution at gunpoint.
"It's not even a felony," Ann Coulter tells Hannity. "What kind of liberal bullshit is this?"

During the next debate Anderson Cooper confronts Trump about it.

"I made crude statements, and I apologized," Trump says.
"Did you rob any banks?" Anderson asks.
"This is guy talk. Everyone knows about what this is."
"Yes, but did you actually rob any banks though?"
Trump pauses.

Bank managers across the country check their records. Many uncover unsolved robberies where an orangey troll-like figure entered the facility in question, disabled the security cameras, and made off with thousands of dollars.

It's pretty convenient that you're all saying this now, while there's an election going. That's the argument from Trump supporters. The bank managers explain that Trump's famously litigious and powerful, and they didn't think they'd be believed.

"We're coming forward now, because now he's on video bragging about it," they add. "He's actually bragging about the crime witnesses say he committed."

Trump supporters are not convinced. Trump says that the bankers themselves are part of a global conspiracy against him. He says they're ugly as well, which seems excessive.

But some people start noticing how often Trump would talk about how "sexy" felony robbery is. He seemed obsessed with it.

"No one is braver than a guy who robs banks," he wrote in Art of the Deal. Trump surrogates say this is just evidence of his "colorful" style.

"I think bank robbery isn't a real crime, y'know?" He's on video from Season 3 of The Apprentice telling a contestant this. His surrogates say this is because he's "not PC."
Staffers at his company come forward with stories of Trump mapping getaway routes, checking the FBI website, and telling people how much he liked the film about John Dillinger. That doesn't convince his supporters either. At this point Paul Ryan admits that the Republican nominee is "probably a wanted criminal," and says he won't run with him, speak for him, or lend him money... but then says he's still endorsing him for president.

More bank managers come forward. A lot more. Their stories are different, but they all involve Donald Trump. None of these people have a reason to lie. And bank robbery, let's not forget, is a crime.

How many will we see? Let's find out.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Friday, October 14, 2016

"The #Trump Temple In Guyana Is Going To Be Fantastic, Believe Me"

You know it was a fraud. A fraud! It was a disgrace, what happened - part of the rigged system I've been telling you about since I beat those losers in the primaries, and the Clinton machine went to the media - including the New York Times, which is an embarrassing paper by the way, the way it's losing readers. And they decided to attack me with hit pieces. It was a smear campaign organized by international bankers. You know what I'm talking about don't you? Don't you?

But we're going to keep fighting. Yes. We're going to keep fighting and make America great again. It is amazing the way people all over this country are coming up to me and saying, "You can't give up. You're the only one who can fix this." They say this all the time.

That's why we're building the Trump Temple in a resort area in Guyana, and I want you to come so we can plan to take back America. Listen, I go all over the world, and I pick the classiest beaches, the most beautiful golf courses... I pick only the best. Always the best! So you can bring your family, and we will work together to make this country the kind of place where people like you can be free again. This should be a country for winners, right? We don't win anymore. And that's why we're doing this.

Come to the Trump Temple in Guyana. All of you. We're going to have a really great rally there with refreshments and everything. It will be huge, a big deal. Believe me.

We'll give everyone a hat.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

Jesus Weighs In: "Trump Should Be Forgiven. Also Sued And Possibly Imprisoned."

It's me, kids. Jesus. JC. The Big Messiah On Campus. Just wanted to say some things about this latest batch of Trump scandals. A sizable number of conservative Christians have been reminding you that everyone, even Donald J. Trump, deserves forgiveness. And I agree. My mercy is infinite, and it extends to the Republican nominee. I forgive him, and I think you should as well. Also, some of you should totally sue the crap out of him and maybe put him in prison.

Look, the compassion I and the Father have toward the world is beyond human understanding, okay? And trying to emulate it is always a good thing. It's good to forgive those who have wronged us. Just like it's also good for people to use the courts to seek financial compensation - maybe enough financial compensation to put a certain billionaire loudmouth into the kind of poverty that would make him have to wear one of those actual barrel-and-suspender things you see on cartoons.

My kingdom is of the spirit, and it is an impenetrable mystery. The workings of the state and federal court systems - both civil and criminal - are completely different. This is one of those classic "render unto Caesar" thingies.

Forgive Donald Trump in your hearts, people. I mean it. That's what you should do. Just don't let anything I say imply that many of you shouldn't also get a cute little lawsuit going with all your friends from the pageant and try to bleed the son of a bitch until he has to sell those ugly buildings of his. And then maybe put him in a numbered jumpsuit for a couple years.

In a way the humility might be good for him. You'd be helping his soul while you totally ran over his brand with a truck. The end result would be a better Donald, and I think we can all agree on that. In the fullness of time, my Being includes both justice and mercy, working together, and yeah sometimes we have to sting a fat, orange asshole now and again. But that's just the way it goes.

Remember: My love is for all, but it doesn't guarantee the right to obscene wealth, freedom from consequences, or election to the office of President of the United States. It'd take a real moron to believe something like that.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

Why The #Trump Attacks On Bill Clinton Will Backfire

Trump's campaign is attacking Bill Clinton to parry the charges against Trump himself. As I write this Slate has clocked nine allegations against Trump of sexual assault, and of the 20 sexual harassment claims against Trump's company the media has reported on, I found one that involves Trump personally harassing an employee. None of this includes the stories about him bragging that he entered women's dressing rooms at beauty pageants to see the naked occupants. Or the allegation that he did the same to people at Miss Teen USA pageants, some of whom were as young as 15. Or the lawsuit filed in federal court this year that charges Trump with child rape.

But back to Bill Clinton.

The right is going to continue using the charges against him to attack Hillary Clinton. And those charges are serious; we've known about them for years, and they include rape and sexual assault as well. It is a known, proven, completely uncontroversial fact that Bill Clinton is a cruddy human being and a terrible husband. If the worst of the charges against him are true, he's a monster.

The left's only argument is that Bill Clinton is not running for president. Hillary is actually the one on the ticket. Weird how that is.

"He'll be back in the White House!" rightwingers say. Yes, but there are public tours of the White House as well. Being in the actual building is not the same as being president.

"He'll be a powerful adviser!" they'll add. And that's true. But if we're counting those you have to remember that Donald Trump's presidency will dramatically increase the pull of the neo-Nazi and white nationalist movements in American politics. His candidacy already has.

It has to be repeated here: Hillary Clinton, not Bill, is running for president of the United States. And she's running against Donald Trump.

Their ultimate attack is on Hillary's character. She's been an enabler of her husband for many years. She defended him and disparaged his attackers. They think that is their strongest argument. But that's exactly where they are wrong.

Here's what the Trump team will remind voters, again and again: Hillary Clinton married a bad person.

After marrying this awful person, Hillary Clinton spent decades trying to keep her family together and build her own career and her own identity. She did it under the kind of scrutiny that would destroy most people. She did it while negotiating the fact that the person she married was the most influential person in the very industry in which she was working. He was also literally the most powerful man in the world.

Her story, while unique, is just an insanely exaggerated version of the kind of stories women across the country understand. You marry a bad person, and sometimes that fact compromises the rest of your life... whether or not you get a divorce. It will certainly affect your career. It might also affect your health, your family, and your relationships with everyone around you. You will pay for it forever.

A woman in a bad marriage has no good options, and everyone feels free to second-guess her choices and question her motives. Did she believe him at all the wrong times or doubt him at all the wrong times? Did she stay, and therefore she's a wimp and maybe a gold-digger? Or did she leave, and now she's responsible for a broken home? We have seen a dismal parade of men confessing their misdeeds in press conferences while their wives stood beside them, perfectly dressed and silent, manikin-faced and much, much more humiliated than the jackasses they loved.

And sometimes, very occasionally, a person is strong enough and smart enough and works hard enough to become the most well-qualified person for the hardest job in the American government. In spite of everything. And she stands on a stage next to a pile of wasted skin who has never had a difficult day in his life, a creature of every kind of vice that rich and powerful men can indulge in with no consequences. And she has to account for every one of her own actions during the worst times in her life, while he - this man who has obviously done all the damage he could to his three marriages - claims to fight for what conservatives call decency and conservatives call traditional values.

They will try to punish Hillary Clinton for everything she did, and suffered, and accomplished, as if she were the bad person and not her husband. But 51% of the voting public in America knows how unfair that kind of punishment is, because they have seen it themselves, up close, or heard the stories from their closest friends and relatives.

And Trump himself, and his thugs, doesn't know how badly it will burn them. Because the women in this country, that 51%, really are invisible to them. For now.

But November 8 is coming, and it will be delicious. For all of us.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.
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