Monday, October 24, 2011

I'll Either Shoot Myself In The Face Or Take Some Computer Classes

Tough times, right?

Well it's important to have a plan. Once you start organizing your next steps everything is sure to seem a lot less dark. For me it all boils down to two options: Either drive out to a storage unit near the edge of the city and shoot myself in the face with a powerful handgun or maybe take a computer course.

I'm a middle-aged man with few marketable skills. That's a tough fact to admit, but it's true. My life didn't go the way I'd planned, and I just don't have the same choices that I used to have. But I'm still in the game, and I can still take action to make things better for myself. Like I know that Lowes has a sale on plastic sheeting, which could be useful -- I don't want to put anyone to too much trouble when they find me. I think I've caused enough trouble for other people already. But there's also a great class at the community center -- "Computer Training For Late Bloomers." I saw a poster stapled to an electrical pole, and I ripped off one of the phone number thingies. So that could be good.

Either way I'd better act quickly. That sale won't last long and plastic sheeting can get pretty pricey.

Shooting myself in the face has a couple of upsides I should consider. For one thing the sweet release of oblivion will be a lot better than sitting on this couch at 3 am watching Saved By The Bell reruns while I sob as quietly as I can so I don't wake up my family. But maybe it might be nice to learn something new. That's always enjoyable.

I don't know much about computers. I think I'd eventually have to pick out an actual computer language and learn it, right? It seems complicated. I guess that's something I should mark in the "shoot myself in the face" column. But then again, if I did master a whole new computer language that would give me a real sense of accomplishment, and I don't even remember what that feels like.

They're very different choices. You're either lying there on a gurney while some bored orderly wheels you into a cold room for identification, or you go ahead and buy that copy of Internet For Dummies. I guess what I should do is push through and take that computer class... then update my resume and see how far that takes me. Because I can always shoot myself later. Okay that's the plan! I feel better already.

Whatever happens I won't go into sales.
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