Saturday, January 28, 2012

To Beat Newt In Florida Romney Must Woo Latinos And Destroy The One Ring

Things are looking good for Mitt Romney in Florida. The Latino vote is key to winning the primary, and a recent report by the Christian Science Monitor gives a clear indication that this powerful group leans toward Romney in his struggle against Newt Gingrich. But it won't be enough. If Romney wants to lock down the Sunshine State, he must carry the Ring of Power to the fires where it was forged and destroy it forever.

The Monitor says many Hispanics in Florida are the kind of small business owners who like Romney's private sector experience. It's a definite strength -- and one he's been able to leverage before against opponents. But Gingrich has advantages of his own. As long as the Ring exists he is able to bend other wills unto his own. And it calls to its master, attempting to return to his hand and bring about a new age of darkness. Also, Gingrich has a solid media campaign and cash from donors who were impressed by his South Carolina win.

Romney's main strength with Latino Republicans is his electability. They want a candidate who can go against Barack Obama in the fall. Newt has not quite made that sale. But electability only works for Romney if he can convince them he will care about their issues after he takes office. He needs to make voters believe he shares their core principles. And as long as the Red Eye is sweeping over their lands, searching and searching for the Ring of Doom, it's going to be a tough game for Romney.

The Ring can only be destroyed by the flames which made it and bound up its dark magic, but the good news for Romney is he is just across the border from the spot - a tire fire in Georgia's Sixth Congressional District, just north of Atlanta. Romney could theoretically use a campaign jet to make a quick visit between stops in the Florida panhandle. The downside is he might lose momentum - in a tight race like this, you can't afford to take a break from meeting the voters one by one. And if he reaches the Sixth District, the Ring will grow stronger and heavier in his possession, and he will find himself hunted by things that have hidden in deep places of the earth since it was new. Especially in Cobb County.

Romney might be tempted to put on the Ring himself and use its power. But then the Eye would find him, and his mind would become a prisoner of the Dark Lord forever. He would become a Romneywraith, a servant of Gingrich. And he'd lose women and independents.

But by continuing to court Latino votes and hurling the Ring into the fiery chasm just outside a Dekalb-area Krispy Kreme, Romney will ensure his political survival.

(Picture by Gage Skidmore, who I assume was burned to cinders and scattered by a foul wind shortly after taking photo in Derry, NH. Rights info here.)

Scientists Isolate The "Ron Paul Particle"

Researchers at CERN's Large Hadron Collider have made a startling breakthrough in physics that will revolutionize the way we think of Ron Paul - and may completely alter the American political landscape. By manipulating powerful magnetic fields scientists have successfully isolated the most basic building blocks of the Texas Congressman.

"We have essentially recreated conditions as they were moments after the Big Bang," explains Dr. Stanley Grunke, who leads the team. "At this time billions of Paul Particles collided with billions of Anti-Paul Particles, eliminating them in an intense flash of light and heat. However, there were slightly more of the Paul Particles... just enough to create the Libertarian-minded GOP candidate."

Scientists have discovered that these so-called Paul Particles are each made of three even smaller components, locked together by intense nuclear bonds. This tripartite structure is what gives the Representative his most rudimentary characteristics (see below). And the dream of discovering how to unravel these bonds is what drives their efforts.

"He says all these sensible things about not bombing countries just because we can," observes Grunke, "and then you read his newsletter, and it's like something by a 19th century Glenn Beck. Can't you have one without the other?"

The CERN team believes they can. By bombarding the Paul Particles with a powerful stream of neutrons, they believe they can decouple the pieces and convert Paul Particles into Anti-Paul Particles. With enough Anti-Paul Particles, they can create a new presidential candidate.

The idea is "highly theoretical," Grunke insists. But it holds out tantalizing possibilities.

"The Anti-Paul candidate opposes out of control militarism, but he doesn't sound like someone's angry grandpa chasing kids out of his backyard. Anti-Paul contributes to PBS, and he drives a Prius. He sounds calm and level-headed. You don't think he's hiding a handgun somewhere under his clothes."

If scientists could split the Paul Particle, Grunke adds, it would be the biggest breakthrough in Political Physics since the synthesis of Bill Clinton in a Penn State laboratory in 1991. But even if it were possible, there might still be limits to its usefulness as an applied science.

"We could never get a calm, easy-going Ron Paul through a GOP primary," says Grunke. "All that batshit crazy talk is the only reason Republicans have let him get this far. Bastards."

Thursday, January 26, 2012

"We Can All Agree On Flying Killer Robots" By Mitt Romney

It's been a tough process so far. My Republican colleagues and I have fought hard to be your nominee in the fall. We've had sharp, passionate disagreements about how best to lead this nation for the next four years. We've wrestled over some of the most profound policy questions this country has ever faced. And although I want you to vote for me, Mitt Romney, I have to tell you... I couldn't be prouder of my competitors. Although we have had our differences, we are united in our rejection of Barack Obama's weak and timid foreign policy. Because Barack Obama hasn't launched nearly enough flying killer robots.

They must blanket the skies. And if I'm elected, they will.

Some will say that that more than 240 attacks and 1,300 casualties are enough to keep us safe. I say Americans can never be safe enough. The robots must fire missiles at terrorist operatives, their associates, friends, family, and people who happen to be standing nearby, possibly sympathizing with their goals. Then when news of their deaths becomes a recruitment tool for al Qaeda, we must have more killer robot strikes to eliminate the growing threat from others who might wish us harm for some reason.

Go out and look up at the sky. Do you see a flying killer robot? Probably not. Probably goddamn not. Barack Obama has been shamefully, treasonably lax in making sure that the robots surround us with their constant, eerie droning and their sudden, seemingly random explosions. Those robots must be everywhere to keep us free.

I respect Ron Paul, of course. I applaud his desire to lead America to a traditional metals-and-barter economy. And his proposed healthcare plan hearkens back to our frontier past, where neighbors came together to tend their own wounded, giving them whiskey and helping to hold them down while a local barber sawed off their limbs. I agree with him that we don't need a federal agency interfering with people's lives during an emergency as they band together into warring tribes and kill each other over small caches of canned food. But on the issue of flying killer robots, Ron Paul is dangerously wrong. His plan to remove all of these robots will leave us open to terrorist attacks from bases in Pakistan, Yemen, Paris, San Diego - because the enemy is everywhere.

A Romney administration won't divide Americans anymore. We'll all be part of the effort to keep this country free and safe. I will call on one third of our people to serve in the intelligence, security, and defense contracting fields - they will build and maintain our precious robots. Another third will pilot the robots and use them to launch lethal attacks. The last group of Americans are terrorists themselves - people Barack Obama has allowed to sneak into this country. But they will be put on a watch list, and robots will be following them constantly.

Each of us are campaigning hard for the GOP nomination. That's as it should be. Only the best candidate will be able to defeat Barack Obama and bring flying killer robot attacks to a level we can be proud of.
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