Saturday, February 18, 2012

If You Like Vampires You're Going To Love Multi-level Marketing

You're a Twilight fan, aren't you? I can tell. Yeah, it's a pretty great series. Don't tell me how Breaking Dawn ends! Ha. You probably like all the great vampire books, don't you? I bet you started with Anne Rice and just fell in love. Am I right? That's why I'm sure you're going to go absolutely crazy about this multi-level marketing program.

Vampires are all about love and dark passion and tragedy and betrayal. Especially betrayal. The idea that this insatiable hunger makes you feed off the lives of those closest to you... bringing them into your own dark world forever... I get chills, just thinking about it! It's the same way with KRII Energy Drinks. I mean, once you buy the $1,000 starter package, and you realize that to break even you have to convince 200 people to each pay $25 for what is essentially a bottle of fruit juice, you will know what it's like to inhabit a twilit world of hopeless longing. And the only way out? You must convince people who love and trust you to make the same terrible decision, and join you in the shadows.

The KRII business plan has everything you love about vampires: Because it's all about seducing an army of people who will become closer to you than any human family. You will all be joined together by an unspeakable lust -- the lust to somehow turn a profit in spite of high startup costs and a product that's priced beyond the reach of any sane customer. And all the while, you will be feeding off any sales of those you sire, forcing them to go out and bring others into the fold with the dark gift that you will all come to hate even as you dedicate your very souls to it. What could be sexier than that unspeakable intimacy you'll share? What could be more like the deathless world of Lestat than a business plan like this?

Come to the Chili's off Exit 25 tomorrow, and I will set you up. Bring a photo ID and your checkbook. And watch the sunset tonight. It will be the last daylight you ever see, my love.

Where Do You See Yourself In Five Years After We've Sucked The Life Out Of You?

I'll be blunt. We like you. Your last interview really impressed us, and we think you're the most promising candidate for the job. Your skills seem like a perfect fit for us. I just have one question: What do you think about your future here? Where do you see yourself in, say, five years... after we've destroyed your spirit and sucked the life out of you?

Moving up in the company isn't just about having a title and an office. It's about challenging yourself. We want to know what you hope to accomplish here at the firm. Especially after you've sacrificed every personal goal and betrayed those you love so you could work 80-hour weeks. Once you've done all that and become some kind of dead-eyed husk of a human being, what kinds of projects will you want to tackle?

Tell us what kind of person you hope to become during your time here. After you've gained 30 lbs. from sitting in a cubicle all day and eating rancid takeout while you type meaningless characters onto a screen until your eyes feel like they're on fire... How do you think this process will turn you into a better version of yourself?

And are you willing to be part of the big picture here? Can you synchronize your goals with the team's goals? Say we dangle a promotion in front of you to make you work extra hard during a tough quarter - maybe you miss visiting your kid in the hospital during a serious illness, and your wife has an affair and you don't even notice, because you're so absolutely cold and paralyzed inside. And then after that quarter passes, we just hire some new guy to take the spot we promised you, and he's about five years out of college? Could you handle those obstacles? Could you adapt and grow as an employee?

Our company is all about profits. But we're all about people as well. And we want to make sure we're going to achieve our objectives together. We want to make sure we wring every bit of energy and initiative out of you until you just die of an early heart attack and save us money on your 401K. But we want to know that's what you want as well.

Because we're like family here. The only family you'll have.

Welcome aboard!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Serenity Prayer

I will not accept the things I cannot change.
I won't know what they are until
I have tried and failed, and I am gone.
(And how will I know the difference even after that?
Why should I believe in Someone wise enough to know the failures I should accept
and cruel enough to leave me to them?
Why should you? Why should anyone?)
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