Saturday, March 24, 2012

No one's planning to eat Erik, okay? Let's just not take his body out of the ice yet.

It's terrible about that guy. I loved him as much as anyone, and I am extremely sorry he's gone. I'm heartbroken about Erik. We're going to honor him as a friend and as a man as soon as we get back. That's a promise. And no one, no one, is making some kind of plan to cook and eat his corpse. All we're going to do is leave him where he is for now. Because he's frozen solid. His body is really, really difficult to move! The fact that supplies are low has nothing to do with it.

Anyway I'm pretty sure that last message got through.

They're going to send a rescue plane in a few days. We can survive that long. I know we can. And even if that radio died before the last transmission -- which I am sure isn't the case -- people should start wondering where we are pretty soon. Maybe there will be some confusion about which route we took, of course. But that wouldn't keep them from finding us, eventually. Eating Erik isn't going to be an option we'll have to consider. Let's let him stay where he is.

You know what I admired most about him? He had a love of life. "Life is for the living," he used to tell me. He'd want us to make it out of here. It would be the best way to keep his memory alive, you know? To keep Erik alive. Anyway that plane's going to come soon. And even if it doesn't I just know we'll survive. Somehow.

Don't move the body. Keep it under the ice.

Look I know you want to bury him, but we're just not going to do it, okay? We want to keep him preserved -- for burial back in the US. You remember last Thanksgiving, when I thawed a turkey on the sink, and everybody got so terribly ill? That's what will happen. And then we won't be able to take him back.

Erik wants to go back with us. And he will. I promise.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Romney's Footmen Join Campaign

In a dramatic tactical move to beat Rick Santorum's ground game, Mitt Romney has moved several footmen (pictured right) from his household staff into campaign headquarters.

"These are all men of good repute, with a legacy of service," according to Cavendish, the Romneys' Head of Household Staff. "Many of them have worked in the campaigns before, and their families have been part of Romney Hall since its founding." The footmen are joining volunteers in an all out effort to secure the big mid-Atlantic states considered key to a win for Romney.

"We are all honored to be of help to Lord Romney in any way we can," says George, a footman from Flynt, MI whose father was thrilled and honored to have a son who'd managed to improve his station after the local drive-train plant had closed in the early 1990's. "We miss the comradeship of those at the House, of course. But we are dedicated to the task at hand." Some political insiders think that the footmen won't be able to connect with middle class voters in upstate New York and rural Pennsylvania, which are considered to be key for a Republican primary victory. And the new Romney campaign slogan Romney: Respect Your Betters has not excited the Tea Party activists like the team had planned. Still, Cavendish is philosophical.

"Romney Hall [pictured above] has survived the Great Depression, the Carter Administration, and the Contract With America," he says. "Whatever the future holds, we know the House of Romney will play a role in it. And we intend to do our part. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go over the dessert wine selection."

(Note: Photo of "Romney Hall" by JB + UK_Planet under Creative Commons license. Information here.)

Sunday, March 18, 2012

New Bill Requires Man To View Sonogram Photos Before Having Sex With Someone Half His Age

A controversial new bill is making its way through both houses of Congress that would require older men to view sonogram photos, grade school class pictures, and birthday video footage of women half their age with whom they wish to engage in sexual intercourse. The Family Values Law, as it's called, is supported by a variety of activist groups, but it is bitterly opposed by a coalition of state senators, church leaders, and corporate CEOs.

"These kinds of relationships are tearing up families," says Sharon Schell, of the Decency Research Council. "A 65 year-old minister or presidential candidate who decides to leave his wife of twenty years to move in with a college student who is actually younger than his three grown children is destroying the foundation of this country. We want to send a message to these preachers and politicians that families matter."

"Before you make a decision that you could regret for the rest of your life you should see photos of your prospective sexual partner in the womb in 1991," Schell adds. But many sharply disagree.

"Trading a spouse for someone younger and hotter is one of the most difficult and gut-wrenching choices I ever had to make," says one state delegate who asked not to be identified. "But this new law will add to my anguish. It's mean-spirited and it violates my rights to see Bronwyn having an accident in her girl scout outfit. I thought that would have been really, really exciting. But it is not."

"This not a choice," Schell replies these arguments. "It's a life. The life of a cocktail hostess, and also an angry ex-wife and her lawyer. And kids, who usually have families of their own. Don't these people understand that other lives are affected by their behavior?"

Political insiders speculate wildly on whether the bill will ever make it out of Congress. On one hand, many of the most powerful legislators in both the House and Senate will be directly affected. But the bill is gaining widespread grassroots support that makes it difficult to oppose. Religious figures -- many of whom are elderly men themselves -- are staging a massive write-in campaign against it, arguing that Scripture and church traditions don't prohibit an old man betraying his marriage vows and moving in with his massage therapist.

"This law would discriminate against people like us," says the pastor of a Norfolk-area megachurch who spoke on condition of anonymity, because of pending legal issues. "God wants everybody -- all straight, elderly, rich men -- to be happy. That message is throughout the Bible."

"He's right," admits Schell. "Then again, there's some really sick crap in that book."
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