Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dear Kid Who Sprayed An Anarchy Symbol On A Tree In My Suburban Playground

Here's the thing: You're not part of the revolution. In about seven years you're going to be selling commercial real estate, and the world is going to keep spinning. Let me walk you through it.

You'll do the whole young, angry deal for awhile. You'll either go the gutter-punk-amateur-homeless route and stumble around living off beer and Tastykakes, or you'll find some nonprofit protest group - a small cluster of people who always have the same five arguments at their endless meetings. Either way, you wind up in the exact same place: Sitting in a drum circle in Tompkins Square Park and suddenly noticing that you smell terrible.

So then you'll scramble back to some godawful suburban place, get a cluster of job skills, and assume the position. A couple promotions, some furniture made of real wood, a spouse, kids, mortgage, mortgage, and you become the guy who makes fun of the guy you used to be.

Hi there.

There's one teensy, tiny fact that ought to keep you from shooting yourself as you realize all this. It will get you out of bed in the morning and keep you warm at night deep into your middle age. It's the most exciting thing I know, and it still thrills me to my pinky toes now that I'm 41 (and I actually drive around in a goddamn minivan). Know this, and know it forever:

They really are lying to you.

Seriously. That moment you had when you were 14, and you discovered the entire culture and political system was some kind of monstrous, violent scam, and the inevitability of death made your whole life a joke. That was true, what you discovered back then. It's still true. You weren't being overly dramatic. Actually, it's worse. Your government and your church and the large corporations that have bought this country really are hiding terrible secrets from you. People in power are risking your life and safety and spending your money on stupid, unethical projects, and most of your neighbors are too brainwashed to accept it. It's not that they don't know, on some level. But most people reach a certain age, and they just sort of ignore the facts. They construct a world of meetings and ESPN and club luncheons and lawn care, and they pretend the big, dark cloud isn't out there, just past the manicured trees. And death, the darkest thing of all, gets closer and closer and they pretend they can't even see it. They're the ones pretending they live in the real world. Not you. You're just young and stupid.

But you don't have to pretend. No matter what happens to you, or how old you get, or what you have to do to survive in this world... you don't ever have to ignore what you know, right now. Scratch that A on the surface of your heart, and never forget how full of shit everyone is. The rage will keep you young.

Also, get some computer skills and keep away from face tats. We're done here.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Could New GOP Challenger Be Man Screaming Obscenities At Traffic?

With Rick Santorum out of the race, the Republican base is scrambling to build support around another contender who could beat Romney. And they may have discovered a dark horse candidate: an unidentified shirtless man screaming obscenities at traffic from the parking lot of a Tulsa-area Walgreens.

"He's not plastic," says one Tea Party conservative. "He's speaking straight from his heart. He wants a carton of Merits and some Jiffy Pop, and he doesn't want to have to put his shirt on to get them. You know why? Because this is America."

Shortly after beginning his remarks to passing cars and Walgreens security at 6 am, the man surfaced on Youtube, where he garnered more than 100,000 viewers. Conservative groups then raised $3 million in donations to form an exploratory committee for the man, but have not been able to contact him, since he appeared to have thrown his cell phone into a storm drain, before defecating into it. Still, Republicans are hopeful.

"Voters want to feel like the candidate shares their passion, otherwise what's the point?" asks GOP strategist Mary Matalin. "This guy called Obama a 'super-spy from Islamtown,' and he's clearly against receiving mental health care under the current administration. That's more than you can say for Romney."

The possible candidate also staked out key positions that will relate to social conservatives and economic populists, accusing his gay neighbors of poisoning his cereal, and calling for a moratorium on gun control and free scratch-n-win tickets for veterans. He then picked up a dirt-encrusted Pepsi can and threw it at a passerby, prompting insiders to speculate that he was feeling the can out as a potential running mate.

"The can has a bold, red, white, and blue color scheme," says Matalin. "It's proud. It's a patriot. On the other hand, the filth smeared on it will ensure it won't overshadow the main candidate. Kind of like Quayle."

GOP operatives are not completely convinced the man has the discipline to stand up to Mitt Romney, especially since his first appearance ended with the arrival of the police, and repeated taserings. But Bryan Morris, political science professor at Yale thinks he represents the last, best hope core conservatives have of winning.

"We're looking at 80 year-old Tea Partiers who scream about small government, while they collect their entitlement checks. Politicians making speeches about cutting the deficit, while they refuse to talk about tax revenue or cut a gargantuan military," says Morris. "They say they want a strong defense, while supporting a web of military commitments that does everything except protect ordinary Americans. They say they support freedom, but they want the feds to police your bedroom. I mean, the GOP is doing everything it can to avoid developing any coherent political goals whatsoever. So... some guy hollering about Obama's Arab spies and crapping through a drainage grate seems to be their best bet."

"Unless he's pro-choice."

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

The Hogwarts Class Action Suit

Have you or a loved one suffered an injury while attending or employed by Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry between the years of 1991 and 1998? Hogwarts, LLC has acknowledged a role in multiple accidents, fatalities, and violent transmogrifications during this period. Our legal team is actively researching claims by former students, faculty, and staff who became hurt during their time at this institution.

  • Have you ingested a "snitch" during an athletic activity on campus?
  • Have you been mauled by animated plant life?
  • Have you been diagnosed with PDSD (Post-Dementor Stress Disorder) or any other Dementor-Spectrum Condition listed in the DSM-IV as a result of being at Hogwarts?
  • Did a deceased former student physically or sexually molest you in one of the lavatories?
  • Have you sought or received mental health care as the result of mandrake exposure?
  • Have you contracted Chronic Potion Rash, or a similar skin condition?

People have suffered these and a wide variety of other ailments. If you think you may be one of them you should contact us IMMEDIATELY, and speak with a qualified legal professional. The law office of Malfoy & Malfoy will work hard to make sure you receive CASH for your medical expenses and long term care, as well as other expenses.

The time to act is NOW! The possible size of a class action against Hogwarts, LLC make bankruptcy and reorganization a concern. You must talk to a member of our team to ensure that your claim is honored.

DON'T SUFFER IN SILENCE ANY LONGER! Malfoy & Malfoy want to fight for you.

Call 1-800-VLDLWYR, and let your voice be heard.

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