Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Paul Ryan At The Donner Pass

The snow's still coming down. Let's face facts: None of us are getting out of here before spring. Supplies are almost gone. Sooner or later we're going to have to do, y'know... that thing we all talked about.

As you know I never duck the tough calls. So I went ahead and made the List. The order goes: Steve, Ted, Alice K., Alice C., Gene, Me, then Margie.

You don't have to thank me. I knew someone had to step up and face that terrible, gut-wrenching decision and be a leader. Someone had to save this party. Knowing I did what I could for all of you - that's thanks enough. I just...What?
Well I considered a variety of factors before making the List - physiological, demographic. It's pretty complicated. I'm a real detail-oriented guy. I don't know if you could follow all the...

I'm sorry you're upset, Steve. But maybe someone shouldn't have been greedy when we found that deer carcass a week ago. Clearly you have to go first; you're all bulked up. Ted has shin splints, so that's why he's next.

Look, I expected criticism. That's what happens when you make an unpopular call. Everybody carps. Everybody second-guesses. But I don't think anyone wants to come up with their own... No I can't go first. Because I'm in charge, dammit. Someone has to be the boss. Someone has wrestle with these awful dilemmas. If you get rid of me the whole thing'll fall apart.

But I am willing to compromise. I'm reasonable. Tell you what, we'll bump Margie up to the top. She's twelve; she's had a good run. Honestly, I could do without her complaining.

I just want you to know I'm not afraid to be disliked. It comes with the job. It's just one of the sacrifices you have to make.
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