Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Let's Not Buy That Romney Thing We Saw On TV

Dear America:

We're in a bad place. Everybody knows that. We've been looking for a way out of these terrible situations we've found ourselves in, nothing seems to be working, and we just want a change. It's late. It's been another long, terrible day, and we're sitting in front of the TV just letting the images wash over us. But suddenly, a handsome, energetic, personable man appears. He seems to know what he's talking about. He seems to have answers.

I know this sounds good, America. I know you have that feeling you get sometimes. But don't pick up that fucking phone and give him our credit card number. Okay? Can we just think about this for a second? Take a breather, listen to me, and just step... away... from the phone. I know if we act now we can score that personal power notebook. But let's not.

Look, the guy says we're stuck in our current job -- we have a worn-out boss, and we're just not unlocking our Maximum Earning Potential. He's got some points there. Hey, maybe we could do better. But that doesn't mean just sign on without asking some questions. I mean, where is all the money coming from? Where? You notice how he's not saying that? So we sign the four-year Platinum-Level Commitment, and then we'll probably have to pay all this extra money, plus get our friends to pay too. He says there's no down payment, but he won't tell us exactly how they finance the Total Prosperity Plan. I bet Total Prosperity only comes to a tiny portion of folks. That's how these things usually work.

Complicated? Yeah, sure. I bet it's complicated.

Also, wasn't that organization in the news a lot? Aren't there all these YouTube clips of them saying utterly insane things about gay people and women's bodies and forged birth certificates and secret Muslim spies and how we need to have a war against Iran so Jesus can rapture his chosen ones and throw everyone else in a lake of fire? I think they're a cult or something. Really. Let's look into it. Take a few days - maybe a couple weeks - before we make a decision based on that one TV program you saw.

And don't give them any information, okay?
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