Saturday, October 27, 2012

A Helpful Message To Straight White Older Men Everywhere

Are you a white man? Straight? Maybe somewhere north of 40 years old? I'm one of you; I know what I'm talking about. And I'm trying to help.

You might have your own secret theory about all those Other People sharing the country with us. Maybe you have an interesting idea about women's ladyparts and rape, or what causes people to be gay, or about how slavery really wasn't that bad. I bet you think your notion is courageous and politically incorrect, and you just might have the answers we're all looking for.

Okay, well, you need to shut the fuck up about your theory. Now.

Normally I want people to be open and share, but you should repress the hell out of that. No one wants to hear it. You're going to get stomped on. And also, you're wrong.

How am I so sure you're wrong without even hearing what your theory is?

About twenty years ago I wrote a draft of a novel suggesting that most African Americans were Libertarian and didn't realize it. I know, I know. Many of you reading this are reacting like I'd just said I can only have sex while wearing a Christmas sweater. That was a terrible, stupid idea. It ranks up there with the time I was six and decided I wanted to see what a falling rock looked like from below. About three people read that novel, and someday I may need to kill them.

It hurts to write about it. But I had to, because I want to emphasize that it's exactly the kind of nonsense an ignorant privileged person thinks when they're trying to work out what it's like to live without privilege. You don't know what you're talking about. So you fill that gap with crazy. And if you're a certain kind of ignorant privileged person the one handicap you have is a debilitating lack of intellectual humility. Not knowing about something does not keep you from talking. But it should. Sweet Jesus, it should.

So... for your sake, for mine, and for the rest of the country's... please consider closing your damn mouth about other people and their problems. Maybe - here's a thought - you could even let people talk for themselves.

But let's not go nuts.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Tom Cruise Will NOT Answer Questions About The Great Pumpkin

Let's make something clear: Tom Cruise is happy to come on your program. He wants to talk about his charity work, and his upcoming projects. There are just some things he wants to keep private, okay? And no, he will not answer any questions about the Great Pumpkin. If you bring it up, he's going to get angry, and we will terminate the interview.

I'm just warning you, so this can work. I have heard about the video out there, yes. I haven't seen it, but I know he's in a field having some kind of picnic dinner with his wife - with his wife at the time. I don't think you have a right to intrude on that. I know it was 11:30. They eat late; it's romantic. But I'm not even getting into that.

No, no, no. Don't you say that. Don't you say "patch." Do you know it was a "patch?" Do you have a statement from a farmer? Field. I don't care if you saw a couple of pumpkins in the shot - you can get pumpkins anywhere. They could have been planted. You know what I mean. Don't get out in front of this thing, just because you saw something from those jackasses at Gawker. You're gonna get burned.

Look, Tom's religion is a personal matter. He expects you to respect that, and so do I. He's not an official representative of his church - he's not holding himself out there as some kind of expert. I thought we were talking about the new movie, for chrissake!

Tom Cruise is not hiding anything. He's proud that he's clear, and that he's using his tech to help people around the world. But he will not get into some kind of argument about the details of his faith, just so you can make fun of him. I will shut this down, and we will not work with you again.

I need your word. No pumpkin questions. I need you to look me straight in the eye and tell me we're not going to have a Matt Lauer here. Because there's only one thing that counts in this business: Sincerity.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

"Maybe We Can Agree On Romney," By A Terrifying Lunatic

Hi! I was down in my basement filing off the serial numbers on some rifles, and I thought I'd take a moment to chat.

Lately I've been feeling really, really optimistic about this country. I think ol' Mitt might pull this off. It's wonderful, isn't it? Many of you aren't sure about people like me - because I want to go back to the gold standard, and I get my foreign policy ideas from the sketchier parts of the Bible. But it looks like we both might be able to agree that Mitt Romney ought to be president of this country. Romney seems to have convinced a good chunk of undecided voters that he's the kind of reasonable centrist they can trust. And he convinced folks like me that he'll further our goals of ending gay rights and bringing on the Rapture. So I guess we have a deal, huh?

Honestly, I never thought I would get much of a voice. I think climate change is a hoax, along with evolution and some ideas about female biology I don't like. I've always believed we need to bring this country back to a pre-industrial agrarian system where people treat their own illnesses with prayer and folk medicine. Naturally I want to help Israel rebuild the Temple so Jesus can return and soak the world in the blood of the wicked. So... it's been tough finding someone electable who doesn't make me feel like I'm selling out my own unique vision. Thank goodness for Mitt Romney!

Now some of you say he's not that conservative. He sounded like a hippy during that last debate. And at the first one he was channeling Bruce Springsteen for goshsakes. You probably think he's going to govern like a pro-business moderate, and he won't get us in a war with Iran, or pick a Supreme Court justice who makes condoms illegal and brings back the pillory. We'll have to find out, won't we? I'm pretty happy I have to tell you.

Anyway, back to work. I have some copies of Obama's Kenyan birth certificate to scan, and maybe a quick armed patrol later. See you on election day. I hope Romney is everything you're counting on him to be.

Within reason, of course.

After all, you guys are renting him. But we bought the son of a bitch.

(Note: Photo by ProgressOhio published under Creative Commons license. Information here.)
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