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Tuesday, January 22, 2013
"I've Got Enough Crazy For All Of You" By Michele Bachmann
But Michele's still here. And don't worry children, because Michele will pick up that slack.
I'm a professional. You know this about me. And when my people need me I am ready to provide. And right now, it looks like what we need is extra crazy.
You think we're going to have a shortfall of delicious, beautiful insanity this year? No my friends. I will crank out enough for everyone to share. I've got this.
You have no idea what I'm capable of. Over the next few weeks I'm going to demonstrate an Olympic level of ignorance and paranoia and white lady nervous tics. I will roll out my lunatic ideas with the speed and muscularity of a Michael Phelps. It's going to be like the first time you watched Jordan dominate a court. You will not be able to turn off your screen, because you might miss something. Seriously. I go back to Washington in the best shape of my career. I just want to show you how far a rightwing freak can really take this. When I play, you're going to see the love and the purity in my game.
Going Joe McCarthy on Arab-Americans? I was warming up. Now we're going to talk about how the Amish secretly run MS-13.
Gay people can be cured with prayer? Fine, sure. But next I'm going to start saying you can treat liver failure by walking it off. I'm going to put a bill out there to study it and make you jagoffs fight me.
Creationism? Nutty stuff about the Founding Fathers? We're going to have a national conversation on why Paul Revere's secret belief in Wicca almost destroyed this country, and how the truth needs to be taught in schools. We're going to halt the deficit by creating a cigarette-based economy like they have in prison. I will give half of my speeches entirely in my made-up angel language, and I'm going to bring a fully-automatic AK-47 signed by Jesus everywhere I go.
Oh wait. Now you're going to say that's how you lose elections. I can't govern or get things done by telling people global warming's a hoax and everyone east of Ohio's in a conspiracy, right? You people don't get it. The Republican party is not about governing, bitches. It's about sending chain emails and ruining next Thanksgiving. It's about bringing wicked-looking assault weapons to a rally and calling everyone Hitler. And most of all, it's about turning every crisis into a reality-show-style freakout over globalization and social progress and the fact that you have to dial 1 for English.
Michele is not on her way out. Michele's moment is on the track and headed into the station. And the whole country is going to get a big long ride on this crazy train before it's over. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go buy some whippets before the Silver Spoons marathon starts.