Thursday, July 25, 2013

Hi, I'm That Syrian War That's Going To Kill Thousands Of Americans.

Can you believe the news? Wild stuff happening in that New York race. It's insane that Weiner is still running! WTF people! And why is his wife with him, anyway? I mean, can we please talk about that?

The other thing, obviously, is how good Kate's looking. She walks out of that hospital like she's ready for a photo shoot. I know she's rich, and she has a staff - but that can't be easy at all. I really like her.

Me? Oh, don't mind me. I'm just that Syrian conflict that's going to kill a few thousand US troops. Don't worry about it. I'm not really news yet. I won't probably be news any time during this administration, actually. Right now, all the president is doing is arming some rebels. You figure we launched some covert actions with the kind of special forces that don't officially exist - I mean, big whoop. It's not like we're really involved.

This is the part where we gradually escalate the involvement without talking about it. We'll set up a no-fly zone, maybe send some advisors. Every once in a blue, you'll see some article in the Christian Science Monitor or one of those newspapers you wouldn't read on a dare. Our spies and special operators will be killing people and blowing up stuff on the sly, of course - I mean, more and more of our foreign policy seems to be completely classified, making it easier to have these kinds of secret wars without Wolf Blitzer getting anywhere near this crap. And each president will be boxed in by all the little steps the last guy took which seemed reasonable at the time. Iraq took a decade to boil over like that. Vietnam spent even longer simmering away on low. The point is, it's not going to be real news until it ramps up enough so that a president has to give that speech and drop a couple hundred thousand guys in green on the problem. That's going to be a couple of elections from now, okay?

Then we'll all support the poor bastard in the Oval who has to deal with this mess. Until we don't. And we'll pull out, drop some cash behind, local news will show those milk-cartoon-type pictures of all the dead people in your neighborhood, and we'll make a couple movies afterwards.

American foreign policy in three words: Rinse, lather, repeat.

"How did we get here?" That question might nag, but it will be too late to really bother with it. No point in making some families even more upset than they already are. Until then, I'll wait here for you guys to catch up to me.

Hey, who's counting the days 'til Breaking Bad comes back?


  1. We're just arming the rebels. How could that turn out bad for us? I'm sure the over 1 million Iraq refugees who fled to Syria over the past decade will be grateful for us arming and fueling yet another war for them to try and live through as well. There's no way this will cause us long term problems at all because everyone knows our intentions are purely humanitarian.

    1. And which rebels are they? The ones killing Muslims of the "wrong" sect? The ones blowing up Syria's oldest synagogue(not that there are any Jews left) and killing Christians? The ones eating their enemies hearts to show how bad they are? I don't see why more Americans have to die just because the Muslims can't govern themselves--and the military/industrial complex wants more profit.

  2. Give arms, no-fly zones, and remote missile support to any rebel group that declares religious imposition to be a crime.

  3. Gee. That meatgrinder over there looks kinda...lonely. Empty. Unloved. I wonder...what would happen if I turned this handle just a teensy bit?

    Whoa. Cool. Whoa. Look at those awesome gear thingies inside. Round and round. Whoa. isn't really doing anything. Kinda empty. There's that big ol' metal hopper thing over there, just waiting for something to go in it. Crank, crank...whoa. I wonder...

    Y'know, the opening is just big enough...I wonder if I took my dick out and put it in...whoa...

    I wonder...

  4. Despite significant historical political, religious, and cultural differences and animosities, the nations of Syria and Iran announced they formed a mutual defense pact in 2006. The precise terms of their mutual defense pact were not disclosed.

    The existence of this Syrian and Iranian mutual defense pact is significant because, if the United States government does directly provide arms and substantial military assistance to any of the various, myriad factions of rebels in the Syrian insurgency, and/or unilaterally declares any no-fly zones in Syria contrary to the requirements of international law, then the U.S. would clearly be committing an act of war against Syria under international law. In that case, Syria would have the right under international law to try to defend itself from U.S. military actions. If that happens, it is also possible that the Syrian and Iranian mutual defense pact might also be triggered which could conceivably enlarge the hostilities to include Iran.

    It is noteworthy that the very same people in the U.S. who are arguing strenuously for committing U.S. military actions against Syria in support of the internal Syrian insurgency are those who have been trying unsuccessfully for several years to get the U.S. to militarily attack Iran. They are also the same folks who successfully contrived to get the U.S. to invade Iraq without any lawful justification after 9/11.

    1. Well, technically aiding a rebellion IS an act of war against the "legitimate" government, isn't it? What would have happened if the USN had attacked and sunk a British government vessel running the blockade around the CSA in 1863?

      I'd say that regardless of the Iranian connection that the Syrian government would be justified to treat the USA as a belligerent in this conflict.


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