Friday, January 11, 2013

The 9/11 Truth Movement Is Part Of The Conspiracy

I've been writing about Alex Jones and the Tea Party and militia types recently, so naturally my blog has attracted attention from people who believe 9/11 was an inside job. Before we go further, I'd like to make my opinion on this clear: It was.

However, the 9/11 Truth Movement is a key part of the conspiracy to prevent us from learning what really happened on that terrible day. The conspiracy is older, deeper, more elaborate, and more awful than you may imagine. Truthers are unwittingly but effectively covering up the ugly facts with their ridiculous fairy tales.

Yes, fairy tales. Because the plot makes absolutely no sense. Let's say I'm in a rogue element of the US government, and I want to convince this nation to go to war. Is this easy? By 2001, the American had proven itself completely willing to sign off on an attack or an intervention anywhere on the planet. It took a speech by the president, some CNN video, a couple of rallies, and several hundred gutless members of our Congress who didn't want to sit next to Dennis Kucinich during the next field trip. Yugoslavia, Panama, Libya, Grenada, Iraq, and other places you could readily list.

But I don't want to do things the easy way, the way proven to work. I want to kill thousands of Americans and expose myself to treason charges. I want to involve multiple US agencies in my secret plot. Because obviously these things don't reliably unravel when fixers and operatives make mistakes or talk to reporters - it's not like there's a history of that happening. Plus, let's bring in Osama. Sure, he's been attacking US citizens for years by now, but he wouldn't just reveal the plan later to embarrass me and my government. It's not in him. And even though I can get his people to fly planes into buildings and incinerate thousands, that's not good enough. I want to add an element to this scheme that will in no way make it more effective, but in many, easily-discernible ways make it impossible to keep secret. I want a controlled demolition in downtown Manhattan at a time when I know that the target will be observed and videoed by millions of people. But plant a chunk of uranium somewhere near Baghdad to make sure we don't look like violent jackasses afterward? Nah. Too much of a bother.

This laughable narrative of a shadowy government group that is simultaneously brilliant and stupid, lethally effective and completely inept, and will - because it doesn't really exist - always remain outside of view... it shields the culprits in a much larger horror show. It takes people who might otherwise discover the real story and sends them chasing down corridors after something they will never catch.

The hijackers were from countries we supported, allies whose populations had a troubled relationship with us. They were part of a guerrilla force we supplied through a variety of secret means as part of a low-level global war, and as part of an even older effort by the United States to, let's use that innocuous term that hides so much in plain sight, "lead the world." They considered themselves at war with us. But our security posture was not that of a nation at war. Not at all.

Because the conspiracy, the true conspiracy behind all of this, is a plot to hide the contradictions of US foreign policy from American citizens. We need to believe we are a nation that supports self-government and the rule of law. And in a thousand places, we make exceptions. We've been doing this for quite some time - occasionally as part of an otherwise necessary military struggle. But also because we like to be in charge. To tell people what to do and to make them thank us for it. And to pretend we're doing it for their own good.

Those people, those exceptions, they become threats. They're all over the place. Many of them - the most effective ones - are wicked violent people, and we need to fight them. We do have real enemies. But unless we're willing to have a serious discussion about what exactly we've been doing in the world, and why, they're going to recruit more like them. The end result is to create the most powerful military in history, which is unable to protect its citizens. And to make the kind of friends who want to kill us.

So until we change we'll have to continue policing the world. Which is what we hate and want. We also want to keep that monster in the back of the closet. The bogeyman, the government overlord, the super villain who does those things we would never, ever support with a bump in the polls or an entire industry of feature films that glorify war.  Because that monster keeps us from facing the fact you already know:

This conspiracy goes all the way to the top.

It goes all the way back to us.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

A Message To Alex Jones From "Catcher In The Rye" And The White Album

We haven't said jack to you, bro.

Nothing. Okay? Have we made that clear? We also checked with Hale-Bopp, Jesus, and the CIA mind-control stations. They're beaming instructions to all kinds of people. But not you, man. And that dog who was chatting up Son of Sam? Hit by a car, way back. Kind of sad the way it happened, actually. Anyway, he's out.

No one, absolutely no one, is giving Alex Jones messages. So how the hell do you know everybody's secret thoughts? How do you know the game plan?

Most of your argument depends on mind reading. Has that occurred to you? Sure, you get loud and angry, and you make fun of people for being foreigners... but beneath that your assertions all rest on the claim that you know the secret intentions of a worldwide conspiracy of government leaders and businessmen.

The bankers who control the world are trying to get America's guns, so they can create some tyrannical regime like Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union. And somehow this hidden scheme has escaped everyone's notice, everyone except you. And when people disagree with you it just means that they are part of the conspiracy. It gets larger with every news show, doesn't it?

Okay, well. That's one possibility. We checked pretty thoroughly, but maybe someone else is sending you the information. Aliens? Time travelers?

Here's an alternative theory though:

People don't like watching children get shot to death.

You show a pile of dead kids on TV, and folks get sick to their stomachs. They learn some crazy person had access to lethal weapons, and they think of all the other times this happened.

"Jesus," they mutter to themselves. "We have to stop it." And politicians respond to this, because politicians are in the business of winning elections. Sure, maybe they're also building robot armies and covering up 9/11. But those are side projects. Saving kids is the vote-getter.

Also... those ordinary folks watch people like you, people defending the guns, and you look absolutely crazy too. You are enraged, rude, loud, incapable of focus, convinced of byzantine plots against you, and very proud of being heavily armed. Watching you, folks are saying, "That guy needs a helmet in case he starts hitting himself." You are not part of the mental health solution, Alex. You're clearly in the problem column.

And you're not alone. Boy, we thought we were pretty jaded about whack-jobs. But the internet is filled with lunatics defending their right - if they start getting angry enough about the government - to shoot their neighbors someday. That's the whole "defend-against-tyranny" NRA argument, isn't it? I need to keep Lucille loaded and ready, because they might elect another Democrat, and then I'll have to go down to the Piggly Wiggly and start cleansing. The kind of person who loudly defends his right to an assault rifle tends to be the kind of person you wouldn't trust with nail-clippers.

So that's our hypothesis. And unlike you, we have plenty of evidence, Alex. So we're leaving you alone. Normally, we're pretty pro-crazy. But you, and your audience, are too depressing.


Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Message To The Tea Party From A Guy Who Urinated On A Power Line

Believe me, I know what is about to happen to you. You're going to wake up in an ambulance, and they're going to be wrapping your junk in enough gauze to outfit a museum wing of mummies. And why? Because you pushed things too far. Because you thought it would be fun to take a risk. To look tough and fearless. Maybe you had some friends egg you on, you know? Those people at the rallies look like they want you to put on a good show. I get that. Trev wanted me to do eight Jager-stands and climb onto that pole. Trev was nowhere around when the ambulance came and the EMTs couldn't stop laughing.

You guys are going to play at brinkmanship during the next few fiscal crises. The debt ceiling will come up soon, and after that there will be something else. People will push you to show the president that you're willing to go "all the way," whatever that means. For me it means some really painful skin grafts. For you, it's going to mean a political whipping.

Because after you become the guy who burned his genitals peeing on a high-voltage wire... you spend a life widely known as the guy who burned his genitals peeing on a high-voltage wire. And believe me, they'll know. If you force the country into some kind of economic death spin, the president will try to put all the blame on you people. Is that completely fair? Maybe, maybe not. The point is, he'll be out there making speeches and looking serious, and you'll be out there with 80 year-old freaks dressed like Paul Revere, waving automatic rifles and yammering about the gold standard. Folks will figure out who was the grownup and who was the crazy son of a bitch who needs to lose the next three election cycles.

You follow me on this? It's important. Because you my friend, are about to charbroil more than your own testicles.

You're going to charbroil the testicles of an entire nation.
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