Friday, January 25, 2013

A Message To The Virginia GOP From A Plantation

Guys, what the hell? Seriously, what are you thinking?

I'm sitting here, minding my own business, trying to attract tourists to come enjoy my beautiful architecture, my incredible landscaping... and I'm really, really hoping we can get past, y'know. The other stuff.

But then you come out with this new bill to change the way we count votes in the state. It ruins everything. It makes me wish I could just get swallowed by a sinkhole.

Did you know I was the birthplace of William Henry Harrison?

This plan counts the votes of Obama supporters, or Democrats, or "urban people" - Have I used the right code words here? Do we know who we're talking about? - less than other Virginians.

But you need to do the actual math. No one on your side - at least I hope no one on your side - has crunched the numbers. Last election, Barack Obama won 51.16% of the vote. Under the new bill he would have won four of the states 13 electoral votes.

And do you know how much it counts an Obama voter as? (It's 4/13 divided by 51.16%. I'll wait. Do it. Get a calculator. You'll crap yourself.)


This bill counts an Obama voter as 3/5 of a person. I don't know if that fraction rings a bell with you. It was kind of a big deal, way back when. Women in fancy dresses, guys in gray - a lot of gray was in style. Is the light coming on now?

I'm the birthplace of the first Thanksgiving, and I'm just trying to be a big, pretty historically significant house in America. No one is going to remember that now. Thanks, rednecks.

(NOTE: I tried to figure out who is funding the people behind this. I did some research, pulling articles and databases together. Read GOP Vote-Rigging And The Big Coal Connection It's narrated by the rat who was partially eaten by G. Gordon Liddy, so how could you refuse?)

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

"For The Love Of God Stop Us" By Fox And Friends

I'm Gretchen Carlson. Every morning at exactly 6:45 am, I blink "Help Me" in Morse code five times in a row while on the air. Three minutes after I'm finished Steve Doocy does the same thing. Then we repeat it. We don't let Brian try, because it's difficult for him to remember complex patterns. But he's trapped here with us. If this message got out, if you can read this, please know that we are not willing participants in the Fox and Friends program. Armed guards are just off camera forcing us to go through the motions of hosting a morning TV news show. And there are others in the same predicament. The entire network is part of elaborate and sadistic game.

As I was planning to leave CBS more than a dozen years ago I received an email with an intriguing job offer. Journalism is a difficult profession, and there weren't many options. I arrived at a vacant-looking warehouse in Queens, NY, where I was restrained and placed into a basement prison with a dozen other professionals from television and print media. They were filthy, scared, desperate people, and over the next several days I watched most of them die in a series of gruesome "survival challenges" involving firearms, power tools, diabolical machinery, and explosive traps. Throughout it all, we were directed by a hidden voice with an unnerving Australian accent.

Steve, Brian and I are the only ones who remain. But our nightmare never ended. This program is a continuation of what happened to us down there in that death-maze. Every show is a subtle form of psychological torture. Sitting on this couch chatting inanely, reciting Republican talking points and pretending we just came up with them... interviewing Donald Trump, for chrissakes -- why isn't it obvious to you people that someone is just doing this to strip away our dignity? Please help me. Help all of us. Stop this.

Brian has gotten the worst of it. When I met him he was fresh from an editing job at the Paris Review and spoke five languages. But he sustained massive head trauma and this ordeal has just crushed his mind. They have to retrain him during every commercial break. It's heartbreaking. Others in the company have been here longer, and their torture has been more elaborate and cruel. They've transformed from prisoners into some of the most vicious enforcers here.

You see? This isn't a network at all. This is someone's hideous system for collecting journalists from all over the world and utterly annihilating them, body and soul. For what purpose? Power? Ratings? Money? I don't think so. I think the unseen Australian executive who controls my every move just likes doing these awful things.

And I've noticed that it's spreading. You must notice it too. If we recite idiotic arguments and interview an ugly collection of halfwits, the other networks have to do the same to compete. If we turn our entire primetime lineup into a series of personality-driven chat shows, you'll see the identical format pop up on MSNBC and CNN. They'll fire their staffs. And more journalists will show up in those warehouses, and the game... the game will go on forever. As that corporate overlord with a voice like the dying of animals continues to lower the quality of debate and discussion in America, he involves you too. You become duller, more pliable. You're reading me on some blog made by a guy who sock puppets celebrities for cheap, stupid laughs. Do you see how far you've sunk already? Do you see how he's crawled into your thoughts and gotten to you?

Every day, we pray for two things: For a quick death and for someone to stop the monster we've helped create. Please... please hear us.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

"I've Got Enough Crazy For All Of You" By Michele Bachmann

That's it. Obama took office, and the new Congress has been settling in for a couple weeks now. All those batcrap pro-life geezers like Todd Akin are probably still making scary rape comments, but they're doing it in their own paneled rec rooms. Newt Gingrich is trolling the talk shows where no one listens to him. Herman Cain and Rick Perry are like Amelia Earhart, only people actually looked for her. And Santorum's writing for a website. A website. Do you know how pathetic and irrelevant that is?

But Michele's still here. And don't worry children, because Michele will pick up that slack.

I'm a professional. You know this about me. And when my people need me I am ready to provide. And right now, it looks like what we need is extra crazy.

You think we're going to have a shortfall of delicious, beautiful insanity this year?  No my friends. I will crank out enough for everyone to share. I've got this.

You have no idea what I'm capable of. Over the next few weeks I'm going to demonstrate an Olympic level of ignorance and paranoia and white lady nervous tics. I will roll out my lunatic ideas with the speed and muscularity of a Michael Phelps. It's going to be like the first time you watched Jordan dominate a court. You will not be able to turn off your screen, because you might miss something. Seriously. I go back to Washington in the best shape of my career. I just want to show you how far a rightwing freak can really take this. When I play, you're going to see the love and the purity in my game.

Going Joe McCarthy on Arab-Americans? I was warming up. Now we're going to talk about how the Amish secretly run MS-13.

Gay people can be cured with prayer? Fine, sure. But next I'm going to start saying you can treat liver failure by walking it off. I'm going to put a bill out there to study it and make you jagoffs fight me.

Creationism? Nutty stuff about the Founding Fathers? We're going to have a national conversation on why Paul Revere's secret belief in Wicca almost destroyed this country, and how the truth needs to be taught in schools. We're going to halt the deficit by creating a cigarette-based economy like they have in prison. I will give half of my speeches entirely in my made-up angel language, and I'm going to bring a fully-automatic AK-47 signed by Jesus everywhere I go.

Oh wait. Now you're going to say that's how you lose elections. I can't govern or get things done by telling people global warming's a hoax and everyone east of Ohio's in a conspiracy, right? You people don't get it. The Republican party is not about governing, bitches. It's about sending chain emails and ruining next Thanksgiving. It's about bringing wicked-looking assault weapons to a rally and calling everyone Hitler. And most of all, it's about turning every crisis into a reality-show-style freakout over globalization and social progress and the fact that you have to dial 1 for English.

Michele is not on her way out. Michele's moment is on the track and headed into the station. And the whole country is going to get a big long ride on this crazy train before it's over. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go buy some whippets before the Silver Spoons marathon starts.

Cthulhu fhtagn!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

"You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid" By Joe Biden

Look, it's time to grow up. I know you want to get an AR-15 without a background check, plus a huge magazine so you can stop government bad guys and be a Wolverine. You've been asking for months. But those things are dangerous. You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

You're not really defending your freedoms. No serious adult thinks that. The United States has the largest, most powerful military in the entire history of the world. And it is led by a group of people who live in fear of bad poll numbers. Do you understand this? Do you see how your militia group does not even begin to pose the kind of threat to the political structure that a guy with a camera or a website or a couple of incriminating documents does? I mean, it's fun to pretend at war, but it doesn't do any good, and people are getting hurt. You will really shoot your eye out. I mean it.

Have you looked at statistics from the CDC? Homicide by firearm and suicide by firearm are each in the top five causes of death for 2010. And in 2006 and 2007, they were each in the top five causes of injury death. We'd know more, but the NRA has been trying to suppress research into gun injuries and fatalities for years. Just like they have been fighting to prevent the ATF from computerizing gun records and making the FBI destroy information on background checks after 24 hours. They won't even let the ATF make dealers keep an inventory. Those dudes want to keep you from knowing how unsafe guns are. But it's clear that fighting tyranny with Charlene at your side is much, much less likely than plain old shooting your eye out.

Is any of this reaching you? The NRA wants you to romanticize guns. They want you to think that with your assault rifle, you're standing guard against some sort of federal conspiracy. But the thing that stops public officials from doing what they want is the thought of losing an election. I've lost a couple of them myself, and it stings like a bastard. The true source of the NRA's political power  - lobbying and fundraising - is the perfect demonstration of how irrelevant their cause really is. Everything else is fun and games. And you know what they say about fun and games... they stop the moment someone shoots his goddamn eye out.

How 'bout a pony?

(Special thanks to SMB for development and support.)

Congrats To The GOP On Reagan's Ninth Term In Office

I try to admit  when I was wrong. And I was wrong about you guys. Since we're all going to watch Ronald Reagan inaugurate his ninth term tomorrow, I thought it would be a great time to come clean. You Republicans did it. You absolutely dominated presidential politics for the last three decades, because your policies worked. No question.

Even Reagan himself - how good he looks for his age (What is he, 102 years old?). It's a testament to your genius. When you announced massive deregulation of the healthcare industry in this country, I thought it was a terrible idea. I thought it would result in a nation of desperately poor sick people filling up our emergency rooms so pharmaceutical companies could gouge us. I didn't understand that when you just get the government off people's backs, you unleash productivity. The results are the kind of powerful, cheap technologies that can keep us all alive well into our second century. Wow! It's just like with your other deregulation measures. We now have full employment, great housing, and a middle-class standard of living that's the best in the world. Tomorrow I'm taking a trip to Disneyworld-Kabul in my new Chrysler Patriot - it's a flying car that runs entirely on gumption. Imagine that. I'm going to celebrate by listening to that new Peggy Noonan book on the Pope; the neural-speakers that beam her words directly into your head come standard. What a country! I don't mind admitting my mistakes. Because you and the Gipper have done so much good for us all.

Many of your ideas were counterintuitive to me; that's why I resisted them I guess. I didn't think if you let everyone carry a loaded firearm and stockpile automatic weapons it could possibly be safe for our parks and schools. I didn't think we could continue a policy of military intervention all over the world without creating a security nightmare. I didn't think you could lower taxes without massive deficits. I didn't believe global warming would go away on its own, or that women would be happier if we repealed Roe v. Wade. And I definitely didn't think we could cure gay people with the power of prayer.

I am perfectly willing to admit I was nuts. Nuts about all this. You people in the GOP were smarter than I was. And to my friends in the Democratic party, who will watch the inauguration of our first half-android president with nothing but bitterness and a determination to sabotage the government... I just want to say this:

You've been losing, because you're out of touch. You need to face facts. You need to live in the real world, not this ideological fantasy you've created. You need to grow the hell up.
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