Saturday, February 11, 2017

"Are You Sure I Didn't Win?" By Conspiracy Theory Hillary

(Note: Conspiracy Hillary is the Hillary who controls the weather and manipulates elections and currency markets. She appears whenever two right-wingers gather in her name. She is everywhere, and it's even possible that she's real.)

Hey guys. How are you? I mean how are you, really?

I know this Trump thing is bothering you. The guy is... well, I don't think "train wreck" covers it, because it's not disgusting enough. "Garbage fire" seems better, but then those things don't have the kind of suffering you need to capture it. I guess he's like a train derailing into a sewage plant and then the gas ignites and all the passengers roast alive and it fills the region with a crippling stench for a week and a hazardous waste problem that would turn the place into an EPA Superfund site if a functioning EPA still existed.

Yes. He's like that. How is that thing working out anyway, America?

Now's the part where you wish to God I were in charge. My supporters are getting a grim kind of satisfaction at being right - at having it proven what jackasses Trump's supporters are. And as for the supporters themselves... something is beginning to tell them they fucked up royally. Most won't admit it. But they kind of sense that they're going to have a long four years of making up excuses for stuff you just can't excuse.

Yes, you wish I were running things.
But then again, maybe I am, after all.

Think about it. Every time you see one of my boring old hack establishment friends on TV trying to talk like a grownup about what should be done in Washington, don't you get a warm nostalgic feeling, like running into your favorite teacher at the supermarket? When the foreign leaders I used to hang out with at Davos weigh in, don't they seem smarter and braver and even kind of better looking compared to that freak show over at 1600 Penn? And what about career bureaucrats in the State Department and the CIA? One of those Deep State operatives talks smack about Trump, and suddenly he or she is a rock star.

Right now Donald's got you wishing the entire country could be taken over by globalists and technocrats, doesn't he? A mid-level climate specialist from some think tank in Germany could walk right into the Capitol building, and your average citizen would elect him President Jesus.

And this will only get better. Trump and his goons are going to spend some time throwing furniture around the rooms and lighting themselves on fire, and all these other operators are going to look like the kindest, wisest people in politics by comparison. And who do you think those people answer to?

Who do you think Vladimir Putin answers to?

I knew it would be a tough election. I knew even if I won I'd be facing ugly approval numbers and a Congress dominated by the GOP. I knew Trump might well crack open the Upper Midwest and scoop out enough whole bean vanilla crazy to put him over. So... I thought up a Plan B.

Doesn't knowing I'm out here running the world make you feel better, even though it's kind of scary how plausible this is? Of course it does.

Be seeing you.

TRUMP TALES OF TERROR is about ugly creatures, murderous fantasies, and apocalyptic worlds – and they’re right in America. YOU CAN BUY IT HERE.

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