Saturday, February 11, 2017

"I'm Training To Be A UFC Fighter" By Reince Priebus

Nobody ever listens to me. Not a single person. Flynn and Mattis are running foreign policy with help from some Russian dude who shows up with packages of instructions. Pence is covering all the Jesus-y stuff. Steve Bannon is doing something involving the water supply that no one will even tell me about.

I am out of the loop. I sit here at my desk all day arguing on Twitter with this one woman named "Propane Jane" (don't ask), and it's started to occur to me that I'm just not... doing anything with my life. I know a lot of you think I'm playing a role in destroying the country - I get it - and that kind of makes me feel guilty. But the real truth is I'm just this guy who sits around, smiling blandly, and taking crap from people.

But that's changing. Last week I stayed up late watching Youtube videos of Muay Thai drills, and that one clip at the beginning of Full Metal Jacket. (I'd been drinking.) And all of a sudden it just hit me that no one at the office really ever checked in on me to see what I was doing. Sure that ticked me off. But I realized it could be one hell of an advantage, too.

I knew then that if I wanted to, I could accomplish something... I could transform.

Four am the next morning, I was in the basement, and one of the Secret Service guys was teaching me how to take a punch.

"Go ahead," I was saying. "Really do it." The guy walloped me in the gut so hard I thought I'd pass out. Then I sparred with him right after, gasping for air. We repeated the cycle. WHAP, spar, spar, WHAP, spar, spar... By the end of the session I was able to keep standing. By the end of the week my muscles had begun to really adapt.

Now I'm running 40 miles a week, mostly in the morning after prayer meetings and strategy sessions with Howard Stern. I've lost 30 lbs of fat and packed on 30 lbs of lean muscle. I hit bricks to toughen my knuckles, and I go through drills where I fall to the floor and scramble up, blocking and jabbing. Each time I pass that douche Bannon in the hall I visualize a different way to take him down - this is the least difficult part of my regimen, actually.

Sure I'm using some supplements, some protein. But it's mostly clean eating - little snacks between conference calls with the party.

It's changed my whole attitude. I look at the boss, at his paunchy gut and his terrible skin, and I get sick now. The stuff he's putting into his body, the complete lack of movement... God, he gets into a flame war with Elizabeth Warren, and the guy is wheezing like he'll stroke out at any second. Even Ryan seems a little soft to me lately. Sure he does cardio, and he lifts a little... but his muscles are all for show. If Ann Coulter stabbed him with a blade, he'd shriek like a kid and probably curl up on the floor. I'm ready to take that kind of pain and perform.

Eventually I think I'll do something with this. It could go as far as the UFC. How does Reince Priebagon sound? Pretty solid, huh? But maybe it's as simple as starting some kind of street-fighting league at Heritage, or with the Fox people. The idea of tearing Tucker Carlson's smug little head off gives me a nasty thrill. But it's not wrong.

Bottom line: I am not my job. Sure I might be part of a team that's running the federal government off a cliff... and sure I'm not effective at stopping it. Maybe I'm not even trying that hard. But this journey I'm on has really changed me. I like who I'm becoming. I like the confidence I have.

And it's really going to come in handy after everything falls apart. Y'know, because of that war with Iran they're talking about.

(Note: You can follow Reince Preibagon on Twitter as he continues to train and discover himself.)

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